Chamillionaire - Ridin' Dirty
Tom has a look at this, urm, banging tune and more specifically it's video. Featuring a really, really big policeman.
00:08 A man is pointing in what would appear to be some sort of Wrestling Ring. I really never was into the whole WWF RAW IS WAR thing when I was a tyke and I'll be darned if I have to watch a video featuring actors mess around a bit.
00:10 We've now cut to a man (presumably a rapper, and then to further that presumption presumably Chamillionaire) moving his hand round a bit.
00:12 Back to the wrestling. Wheres handy gone?
00:17 OMFG!!! It turns out the wrestling match is a bit of a fake (oh, shocker) and in reality it is a member of the good and friendly law enforcing establishment who is taking this sucker down, with the words "you have the right to remain silent" spoken in a dulcet yet slightly erotic tone. Is this going to be Cop Porn?
00:20 There is text! "Cops: To Serve and Protect." Well yeah...
00:27 The policemen are putting their latest detainee into the vehicle with the occasional cutback to Chamillionaire (who, for the purposes of the fact that his family - ashamed of his new name - may well be reading this, we will refer to by his real moniker - Hakeem) who is talking about riding some dirty washing or something like that, doesn't really matter.
00:32 Hakeem has not had the greatest of lots in life. It appears as though he suffers from catastrophic dental problems; he has a massive set of braces on his teeth. Diamond encrusted braces it would seem, but braces nonetheless. There are a variety of shots from different profiles but from every one Hakeem's big, huge teeth are all you can see. There is not one shot that I would describe as being attractive, and it doesn't help that he appears to be standing in front of a big pink UV lighting type thing - the colour that worst shows big teeth (FACT).
00:47 Hakeem is in a car with his lady friend pulling off pouty poses and generally trying to look like he is "tha shizz". It does not work.
00:49 He is sat in the car rapping - the car which we saw a detainee being thrust from at the beginning of the song. Are we to have a plot development here? Was the detainee young Hakeem himself and this is why he's written a song about his experience at the hands of the establishment (what's wrong with the American establishment anyway? Well besides from any political system which could elect George Bu....ah).
00:53 Hakeem is waving his hand about now, but in different clothing and in front of a white background with the word CHAMILLIONAIRE. Gold dust this.
00:57 His girl is playing on the Playstation in the car. Product placement, NICE.
01:00 The policeman - and a big ug...attractive one in particular - are approaching the car, while Hakeem has gotten some money out. They approach the car while Hakeem is rapping and all of that stuff and, well, there's a big twist to come here...
01:22 Hakeem is WHITE! And so is his ladyfriend. Well that's what the police are seeing anyway. This is all very confusing. If any of you are Hakeem's Homies if you could enlighten me below that would be just F A B.
01:29 The police let the white Hakeem go. How jolly nice of them.
01:34 The big policeman is now chasing after Hakeem, after suddenly realising that he isn't white and then therefore (allegedly and according to Hakeem's logic) worthy of arrest. It wasn't the fact that he was loitering, a social nuisance or indeed partaking in anti-social behaviour to the distress of the locals, some of whom are elderly, god fearing and helpless. No, it was because he is black. Obviously.
01:40 This is getting a bit repetitive...
01:46 In a bizarre twist, Hakeem is dancing and rapping in front of a green screen with the oddest looking man ever standing to his left just behind him. He's wearing a Chamillionaire t-shirt and just looks like the worlds biggest geek ever; what he is doing in a video promoting gangsta living when really he should be working in the back room of a computer repair shop. Gee whizz...
01:50 The big wrestler is kinda dominating this one...
01:57 Hakeem's sidekick, who has been pratting about in the background for goodness knows how long, has finally made an appearance in the foreground and is talking complete and utter drivel. I can barely understand him, I hate him and everything he stands for, and right now if this video suddenly ended I would just be so, so happy.
02:10 And still he goes on! He sounds like the oral equivalent of a nasty rash.
02:16 They are smoking while driving; this will not go down well and sure enough...
02:17 The big policeman does NOT look happy.
02:20 They are in a cigar and clothes workshop and looking like they are having a right good old laugh.
02:31 Loads of cars are going into some sort of lockup (presumably to listen to some "hip hop" and play with "skate boards" and "pac man") and the police, well the police are just plotting their next move. This could get nasteeeey.
02:40 Big wrestler continues to dominate.
02:49 Ah and now Hakeem's ex-White ladyfriend has strolled onto the scene, hanging out of her clothes and, well, looking like most people do as they walk through a car park. Was this really worth the budget? She seductively whispers into Hakeem's ear and he is a total nonchalant, looking like he's barely noticed her whilst in reality his heart is just fluttering.
02:55 - 03:10 Little of note happens.
03:15 The policeman have busted the lockup with bits of paper! WOW! The men inside look shocked and victimised that they are being arrested because they are black - even though the policeman himself is black.
03:25 The policemen leave, angry.
03:26-04.08 Well that's 4 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
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